guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize