things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
