I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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