Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
