the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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