the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
