my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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