drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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