Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
