i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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