Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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