I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
