I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
