he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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