any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
