I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
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