I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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