toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
