I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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