Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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