ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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