All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
