everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
