I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
