Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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