I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
