Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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