i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize