I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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