roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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