i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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