We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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