home. puking in laundry basket.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
