Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
