Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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