Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
