"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
