Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
