I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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