Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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