When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
how drunk are you?
Several
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
