I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
