Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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