my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
