So drunk, too bad you don't want this
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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