dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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