am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
