She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
