what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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