If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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