Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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