I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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