Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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