if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
