Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
