I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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