i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
