I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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