He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
