so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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