I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
