You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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