I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
