From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
